Why men need to talk?
According to World Health Organization (WHO), one in four people in the world will be affected by mental health problems or neurological disorders at some point in their lives. Meanwhile, men accounted for around three quarters of UK deaths by suicide in 2018. In 2016, a Men’s health week survey found that amongst men who experienced mental problems, 46% would be embarrassed or ashamed to tell their employer and 52% were worried about taking time off.
These statistics really resonate with me and please read by blog “Why did I wake up in an ambulance?” to understand how mental health or neurological disorders ( Epilepsy, seizures, headaches, migraines, stroke and dementia.)can impact anyone!
I was born in 1972 in East London and when I reflect on my male role models such as my dad, uncles and teachers, no one would discuss their emotions or feelings. It was really seen as a weakness to show emotions and even male role models on tv and sport were shown as strong men but no discussion about emotions, stress or feelings.
In my lifetime, I only witnessed by dad cry a handful of times at his mum’s funeral, his brothers funeral and at Heathrow airport when I departed for my working holiday to Australia and New Zealand (He was convinced I was not coming home!)
The statistics around male suicide really make me angry and I have actually lost 2 cousins to male suicide and both left behind partners and young children. This is a very personal subject and drives my passion to share this information and I have to be totally honest that even in my darkest moments when I woke up in the ambulance I had the clarity of mind and support from my lovely wife, family and friends to make positive change. I am not an expert on male suicide or mental illness but if this blog helps one man to seek out help and support then it has been successful.
Update: I have received amazing feedback on this blog and it has resonated with many people (Men and woman) but what is alarming is that people cannot obtain the help they need due to problems with doctor appointments and waiting lists for NHS mental health services.
Due to the pandemic and the cost of living crisis experienced globally there is a high demand for these services, but our amazing doctors, nurses and mental health consultants are under immense pressure, and we need local and national government to focus on this critical service.
Why talking is important?
Every time I read about a male suicide I am taken back immediately to my cousin’s funeral and even though we were very close as children and shared many summer holidays in Ireland, we lost touch as adults. ( One of my biggest regrets and I often wonder if he ever thought about contacting me?)
At his funeral his best friend bravely stood at the altar and completed his speech and dedication to my cousin. At the end of the speech, he started to cry and cuddled the coffin and whispered, “why didn’t you talk to me?”. It was a very, very powerful moment and I often think about that experience. Like many men, my cousin had recently broke up with his partner, he was back living with his mum, worried about seeing his children, struggling with stress at work and apparently increased his consumption of alcohol.
I have received so many messages from people who have lost loved ones and the above paragraph really resonated with so many people.
“Why didn’t you talk to me”
The above is a very personal story but it is relevant to understand why it is critical that we change the attitude to men having the ability to talk about their feelings, concerns and worries.
“You are STRONG to talk about your feelings, concerns and emotions and it is NOT a weakness”
Action:
We are all male role models as Dads, sons, brothers, uncles, husbands, friends and colleagues. If you are reading this blog, we can drive the change and lead by example and start talking about our feelings, if you see a family member, friend or work colleague struggling then just start the conversation and suggest a walk at lunchtime, a coffee away from the office, game of squash, a game of five a side football fishing trip, round of golf, or a bike ride at the weekend and explore nature. You are probably wondering why I did not add a “ beer after work?” It was on the list but there is a great deal of scientific research that alcohol is a depressant and can affect your brain’s natural level of happiness chemicals like serotonin and dopamine and actually have a negative impact to your mental health. We are adults and you know your friends and family members better than anyone else and if you feel that a few beers after work is the best place for an open conversation and get them to discuss their feelings, problems and worries then you go for it! Just being available for a conversation and to listen will really help and bring clarity to the mind.
As I explained in previous blogs, I was really lucky that my company at the time offered free occupational health counselling sessions, but like the men’s health survey, I was embarrassed and ashamed to seek help and due to social norms I thought it was a sign of weakness. Please, please understand it is a STRENGH, you have acknowledged that you want to talk and make a change. I will be 100% honest, it took me a few attempts to pick up the phone and book the telephone appointment, but it was the trigger for me to make some significant health and well being transformation changes. This sounds really dramatic, but these professional councillors are trained to really listen, dig really deep into your mind and provide guidance on how even small changes can dramatically transform our well being, health and more importantly quality time with family and friends.
My therapist Dave was very patient with me and even though I promised myself that I would be open to the experience, I was still a bit sceptical and the first 2 sessions I was a bit vague with my answers and really did not open up but Dave was very patient and he had the most slow and calming telephone voice( All 10 sessions were over the phone and no face to face meetings or video conference). Over the 10 sessions, I started to relax and really enjoy the sessions and I have added a few points from my personal experience.
What did I learn from the therapy sessions?
Keep an open mind
Please keep an open mind with some of the actions and tasks, you might not agree with some of the suggestions or exercises but I was exactly like you and I kept an open mind and completed all the exercises with some really significant changes to my mental well being, health and happiness.
2. be honest about your triggers
Try to be honest with your “triggers” and why you are struggling. For me it losing my dad and best friend to a stroke that was my main catalyst for my deterioration in my mental and physical health. In one session Dave suggested “You are looking for a magic pill to cure your grief but it does not exist and you need to learn to live with grief and build up your mind with the lovely memories of your dad”. One task was to create a photobook of all the photos of my dad, from childhood, family holidays, my wedding, experiences with the Grandchildren and moments of happiness and pride. This sounds really simple but when you are grieving you don’t think straight (mental clarity) and I realised that I was focusing on negative feelings, “Could I have been more forceful in relation to his post stroke treatment, was he in pain?, I wish I could have had one last conversation. Creating the photobook was really therapeutic and emotional but I started to focus on positive feelings of gratitude and happiness. I was so grateful to have a hard working, kind, supportive and positive role model that provided such a positive environment for me and my siblings to experience the world and grow. Like everyone, I am constantly living with grief, and it can be very small triggers such as his favourite Gaelic football team, Kerry doing well in the all Ireland football tournament. Walking past the Prospect of Whitby pub in Wapping that we would often sit together and have a few pints of Guinness. Dave taught me about positive mindset and how filling my mind with positive thoughts, memories and images of my dad would slowly destroy the negative thoughts and images of his post stroke situation and inability to talk or move his arms and legs.
“You are looking for a magic pill to cure your grief, but you need to live with grief and build your mind with lovely memories of your dad.”
3. Who is looking after you?
For me, this was a very interesting observation from a total stranger (Dave). During the 5th session Dave mentioned a significant observation. “Your key strength is empathy, during the sessions you have expressed your worries about your mum being on her own, making sure she is coping emotionally and financially, you have expressed concerns about your team and the threat of redundancy, your worried that your wife and children are worried about you, your worried about your siblings and family as your dad was the centre of the family unit. Who is caring for you?” The question really stopped me in my tracks, but Dave was 100% correct and obviously by wife, kids and family were worried about me and very supportive but from a work perspective I was filling my time and mind supporting work colleagues during our redundancy consultancy period.
“You are a very compassionate and empathetic person, but who is looking after you?”
4. Exercise
As we reach 50 years old we reminisce about our previous success stories in our younger days. For me it was playing competitive rugby up to the age of 21, playing for football (soccer teams), representing London schools at athletics ( 800m and high jump) and running the London marathon in 2012. It is a great to have these memories and to be honest I can feel the pain on a daily basis from this history of sport. When we settle down, have kids and start work it is so easy to neglect exercise and from my experience as we reach about 30 years old our weight slowly creeps up and my heaviest was 17 stone, 107 kg or 238 pounds. Don’t worry as we minor changes to diet, mental approach, healthy habits and exercise we can slowly make improvements.
Please read my blog and training plans for men over 50 for beginners, intermediaries and advanced. I am not an expert but I have completed my research and set out to slowly improve my fitness and well being through exercise.
5. Invest in hobbies
As human beings we are social animals and I have read many articles on “The Blue Zones” locations in the world with the highest percentage of the population with health longevity to 100 years old plus. Please read more in this blog but one consistent habit is investing time with people and hobbies on a daily basis. If you would like to contribute an article to the magazine and write about your hobby please contact me.
It can be any hobby that could inspire our global readers, (fell running, photography, surfing, paragliding, astronomy, art or golf to name a few.
6. Meditation and using the power of your mind
Please do not ignore this section and like you I was very sceptical, but Dave really encouraged me to explore this subject and know I have been converted and it has become a part of my daily habit. Remember, we need to “Open our mind to new opportunities for an improvement in wellbeing and health”
I know what you are thinking, not another article on meditation and mindfulness from an urban hippy. I had the exact same reaction as you when Dave the therapist suggested a number of mediation apps and deep breathing exercises. I personally use the app Stop Breathe Think: meditation that you can find on Apple store or Google store. Similar apps that you can try for free are Calm, Headspace and there are also great sessions on Spotify. I use the free sessions on Stop Breathe think: meditation and honestly it has made a dramatic impact on my mental well being, happiness, quality of sleep and clarity of mind. I explore the impact more in this blog but please download the free app (You don’t need to pay for a subscription). From my experience, we live in such a fast pace society and our minds are constantly bombarded by information, digital images, negative and positive sounds and images and we just do not make time to stop, relax and actually breathe correctly.
Also, don’t be embarrassed that you are using a meditation app, honestly please try listening for just 5 minuets a day, maybe combine with your daily walk, your commute to work, in bed at night or first thing in the morning. I have also created a small video here but my personal favourite exercise “Gratitude” a 5 minute audio session. I love the description “Boost resilience and positive feelings on gratitude, which has also been shown to reduce anxiety and depression and to strengthen feelings of connection”.
As I mentioned in my blog “ Why did I wake up in an ambulance”, we have periods in our life were life seems to be spinning out of control and I think everyone must have experienced periods of anxiety and varies levels of depression during the pandemic.
On the advice of Dave, I started using the app and as he explained the internet has been an amazing invention in so many ways but the mental impact of social media is a real societal global concern. The gratitude exercise really helps you to focus on you and what you should be grateful for, your health, your family, your friends, your personal values or spending time in nature. Do we really need to spend hours looking at what people eat for dinner, what new car someone has bought, do we need to be jealous of someone’s house or success ? The answer is no and we need to focus on us, our family and friends.
7. Stop investing time with toxic work cultures and people
Again, in one of the sessions Dave and I had a very detailed discussion on work culture and toxic culture, teams and people. Dave was very open that most of the mental stress for his corporate clients relates to the stress of redundancy, work stress, the feeling of being stuck in a job with no way out, toxic work culture and corporate bullying.
Just sitting and listening to Dave and discussing my personal experience this really resonated with me and my experience in my career. I have worked for some amazing leaders and mentors but at the time of the seizure the work culture was very toxic and I am afraid it starts with the senior leadership team. I understand the corporate and business world and unfortunately there can be periods of economic impact that tough decisions need to be made but there is no excuse for bullying or creating a toxic environment. As explained in previous blogs, as I recovered from my seizure I heard senior managers calling me “mentally week” and “ I have ruined my career and should look for other roles.”
Please read the dedicated Blog here on my experience of working in Toxic work culture and you can take control
8. Spend more time in nature with family and friends
Again, I explore this more in my blog “The power of nature for mental well being”.
I have always enjoyed spending time in nature and but when you look at my exercise plans for men over 50 then one exercise from the start is to spend 1 hour in nature a week and spend time with friends and family.
In Japan, one of the regions covered in the “Blue Zone” the term “shinrin-yoku” was coined in the 1980s and can be translated as “forest bathing” or “taking in the forest atmosphere”
Spending time in nature, urban parks or forests has been proven to support and enhance your physical and mental well-being. In Japan the doctors prescribe “Forest bathing” to urban dwellers who are stressed from working long hours in the competitive corporate world and spending too much time on technology and social media. It has been scientifically proven to boost the immune system, lower blood pressure, lower cortisol, improve concentration and memory and aid sleep. Scientific research has also demonstrated that a chemical released by trees and plants, called phytoncides was found to boost the immune system.
You are probably thinking that all of the above is common sense but when you are anxious, stressed, feeling depressed or struggling with mental clarity it is good to talk.
Contacts:
Speak to your human resources department to see if they offer free counselling sessions and also see if they can extend the free service to friends and family. I have been inundated with people telling me they have no access to support as there is a waiting list with the NHS.
Samaritans: You can contact these amazing people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can phone 116 123 free from any phone or e-mail jo@samaritans.org
SANEline. 03003047000 (4.30pm to 10.30pm every day)
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – 0800 58 58 58 (5pm to midnight every day)
I plan to add to the list as the above are United Kingdom based organizations but please contact me if you have an agency in your country or region that can provide support and guidance.
As I mentioned “Men we need to talk”, don’t be embarrassed and you are STRONG to use one of the above services and the trained counsellors are there to listen and provide support.
“Men we need to talk and you are STRONG by discussing your feelings”